i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
