I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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