I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
