it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I accidentally burped into my bong.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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