his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
