apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
