Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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