I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
