I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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