i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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