But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
