just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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