Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
