No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
