Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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