Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
