wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
