I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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