i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
