Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
