It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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