he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
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I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
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At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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