we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
