Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Randomize
