I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
this is an emotional support booty call
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
