The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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