God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
