i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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