sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I need moral support for this bender
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
