I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
