No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
