my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Randomize
