I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
