I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
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