She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
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I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
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She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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