I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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