My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
