i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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