i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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