So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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