my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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