Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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