my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
