I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
