May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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