I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
