Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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