mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
