He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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