my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
