there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Who died my cat blue again?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
