First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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