I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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