So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
