I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
