She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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