Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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