I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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